Living Proactively

INTRODUCTION

This is an essay about change. There is a phrase we’ve heard expressed in one way or another that tells us that people don’t change. Not true; people change all the time. But it is from the inside out and almost never from the outside in - which is to say, that apparent love of your life with just a "few improvements" required (from your point of view) will probably not adapt to your design. Even should that person promise to change "just for you", most probably that will also not happen. But if someone wants to "change" for their own benefit, it just might happen.

But the main thrust of this narrative is not so much about “changing” as it is about aligning that image we have of ourselves with how the outside world sees us - more of a change of clothing, so to speak, than a change of personality.

But along with the image, there is the task of living in the world proactively rather than reactively – a matter of living with self-awareness rather than on the automatic pilot of blind habit. This will require work and that may, when the effort is complete, mean you decide to make a few changes. The decision is yours.

It was time to reinvent myself. When I was first discharged from the Navy, I took a four-month vacation that lasted right up ‘till I was offered a job where the pay was just too good to turn down. Of course that job was for a package delivery company – unloading trucks to start, then getting into the union and loading them instead. No planning in any of that; just reacting to what happened to happen.

Then the union went on strike and on a more proactive note, I decided to move on and get another job. In fact I would seek out and get a job as a clerk in an office. And that is what happened; ‘course it meant taking a 50% pay cut in the process but it seemed more in line with an evolving self image that was still less than clear but seemed promising. My Father had always said “don’t worry about the money - that will come; just get your foot in the door and show what you can do”.

There was that brief distraction of getting involved with a part-time adventure as an agent for go-go girls; never mind, another story for another time. It was, however, another example of making reactive decisions.

After about three months in that clerical position I was promoted to supervisor of a small keypunch department; some more months later the company was sold and it was back to looking for a job. But it had certainly been a learning experience.

Quite by accident, in my job search I came upon a position as an Assistant Supervisor in a much larger keypunch department in a much larger company and I reacted by accepting the offer.

Several months and one promotion later, at the age of about 23, I thought it had become the right time to be more proactive and, as said at the start, to reinvent myself. Gone would be that former juvenile delinquent, that deck seaman with an attitude; time to put away the trappings of the child (to paraphrase a bit) and become an adult who wore a suit; lived in an upscale neighborhood in Center City and who would find a way onto the career fast track.

All I had to do was figure out who I was going to become and how I would do that. This would not be the first time I “changed” myself but it would be the most consciously planned. One of those earlier experiences, for example, could be said to be the evolution from reading primarily as entertainment to actively trying to learn something. This would include a diverse variety of material ranging from the ancient Greeks and Romans to more contemporary historians and philosophers.

The problem was that it all sounded “right” to me even when the material was obviously contradictory – I had no critical thinking skills at all. But once that skill became a goal, I have to say, I went overboard. Suddenly I was very critical of everything and everyone – including myself. Thus was born a lifelong habit that more than a few friends and acquaintances found (and find!) very annoying. Giving and receiving criticism had been an effective learning tool for me, I just couldn’t (can’t) seem to learn that others would not find it equally rewarding!

But progress in those early attempts at self-evolution was made, however accidentally, and now it was time to take another step further along the road to re-inventing myself and to do so with self-awareness and planning; i.e., proactively.

A word of caution if you are thinking of trying something similar to this; those who have known you for a while will never accept a “new” you. And the new people in your life may see you as a phony. They’re right, of course, you’re learning a new role and it will take some time to become “at home” in it. At some point you may find it necessary to simply start over. This is proposed more as a cautionary note then as a necessity. Much will depend on the quality of your existing friends and acquaintances. (And by “quality” I simply mean the character of their minds - not their possessions, education or money.)

The key phrase above is “…leaning a new role….”; you are, in fact, learning to play a part – to act and while you are inventing this new “character” it will be helpful to watch television, go to the movies and, best of all, become a dedicated people watcher.

For example; you’ve decided that the image you choose to project is that of an accountant – how are accountants usually portrayed in books, movies, etc.? Not any one accountant in particular; not a “star” accountant; the “usual” stereotype will do just fine to start with. The important thing is to define the role as a “character” and not in terms of a particular actor.

Imagine yourself taking one of those personality tests. Answer the questions not as yourself but as the type of character you’ve chosen would answer them; keep that vision of your character in the forefront of your brain. How do these people get along in the world; how do they dress, walk; talk? Develop your image of this character as completely as you are able to visualize them. Rehearse in your mind as you see yourself as that character.

And then start doing it.

You will need an audience of course. They should be people who are aware of what you are doing and who can be trusted to be honest in their “reviews” of your performances. It would be best if they were not distracted by being good friends of yours. They will be your critics but that doesn’t mean you have to accept everything they tell you.

If, for example, you are told that you are coming across as too ………whatever. Think about it; is it your intent to come across that way? If it is, great; leave your performance alone. But if your intent was to project a different image, well; you’ll have to make some adjustments. In art, it’s okay to expect the audience to have to work at understanding your intentions. But in the real world, it is your responsibility to line up your intentions with your audience’s perceptions.

Now let’s be clear about a few things. It is a certainty that at least some, perhaps most, of the people reading this will have a very negative reaction. They will find it all too “contrived” and unnatural – just be yourself they will say.

Fair enough. But just how did that “self” come to be in the first place? That’s right, you learned how to be you; the behavior was learned; how you dress and walk and talk – even how you think. No, I’m not talking about that formal instruction you may have experienced. There were “role models” which would have varied to some extent based on your generation. In today’s world that would include actors and athletes but more for how they are reported to live their personal lives rather than their professional roles.

There would also have been the written and unwritten “codes of conduct” ranging from broad abstract concepts to the street rules of a very specific neighborhood. You might have studied and learned the many details of these codes or simply absorbed them more by osmosis without thinking about it; “that’s just the way of it” you might have said or heard and knew what was meant by instinct.

Most of the really important stuff, however it was learned, would very soon sink into your unconsciousness; which is to say as acted and reacted habitually without your awareness, let alone your control.

Let’s take the example of how you interact with those around you. As a baby, when you were hungry, your belly hurt and you cried. Before long you would be fed and all was well. After a while, without thinking about it, you might choose to cry even when your belly didn’t hurt. The result would be the same; you were fed. After a while, you unconsciously started making connections: when I do this - that happens but when I do the other, well then, something altogether different occurs.

After a while you figured out that with one big person, you had to do one thing to get what you wanted but with someone else, a different tactic was required. And your development as a manipulator of life around you would continue as your circle of potential influence widened.

Some people went about that process in a very deliberate manner – at least at the start. But after the basic patterns were established, things went along pretty much on automatic for most people. Some, the heavy duty people users, would always operate on a very conscious level and in a very deliberate manner but this particular essay is not about them.

It’s also not for those people who are content with a life lived life unconsciously in a repeating pattern. They would probably not see their life in the context of a series of deeply ingrained habits and even if they did, that reality wouldn’t really bother them. Hey, if that is “working” for them, all is well.

But for those who hadn’t thought about how they became who they are but whom, hey, come to think about it, would like to be in charge of themselves and to live proactively rather by accident. Well then, thought will be required.

As a by-the-bye; it really isn’t necessary to choose a character stereotype from the entertainment world as your model. It is true that it can be a convenient way to think of the process and to formulate a consistent image to emulate. But you should feel free to develop your new self-image in whatever manner works for you. We are, after all, more than merely actors upon the world’s stage – we are, or should be, the Directors.

And, contrary to that cliché about the importance of an “examined life”, it is not absolutely necessary to re-examine your life in detail to find out how you became you.

But there are a few “musts”:

: You must be able to see yourself as others do – in the context of the goal of this essay (aligning the self with the public image) it is their perception, not your intention that counts.

: You must be able to develop an image of how you want them to see you that is consistent with how you want to see yourself.

: You must have a plan for making that transition and work that plan until that becomes your new pattern of habits.

You should also be aware of the possibilities for slipping into a chameleon-like behavior where the situation you find yourself in defines the “role” you adopt. We all do this to some extent, again, mostly without conscious awareness. The question continues to be: how much control do you want to have over your life? The basic presumption is that you have a choice.

Post Script

It is the first impressions that people have of you that will control how they perceive you forever afterwards. The single most important aspect of that meeting will be what you have to say and, most importantly, how you say it. You are encouraged to maintain a certain “chameleon-like” behavior with regard to your vocabulary, i.e.; keep it appropriate to your audience. Also, research has shown that 85% of what we say in normal conversation only requires some 385 words. Do not fall into the trap of grandiloquence (a pompous or lofty manner of speaking or writing). As you can tell from the example just provided, it never fails to be unimpressive.